*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
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WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
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(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!