She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
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Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time