Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
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Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?