Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
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Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
The Joker was right
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?