Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
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Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.