@Maxine12333

If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.

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@zoevsuniverse

4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”

@RunwayDan

Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.

@TheToddWilliams

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?

ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills

@katlamcglynn

Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”

@Bownuggets

Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs

@TheAndrewNadeau

WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.

@XplodingUnicorn

How to meet a girl:

1) Walk into a bar.

2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”

3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.

@megchambe

going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people

@Parkerlawyer

Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”

Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”

@donni

Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!