@Maxine12333
@zoevsuniverse 4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
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@zoevsuniverse 
@RunwayDan Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
@TheToddWilliams GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
@katlamcglynn Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
@Bownuggets Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
@TheAndrewNadeau WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
@XplodingUnicorn How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
@megchambe going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
@Parkerlawyer Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
@donni Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!