If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
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Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?