me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
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I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Banana is the quietest snack
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Good morning y’all ☀️
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.