@surrealvehicle

me: we have developed a fear of boy bands

wife: at the same time

therapist: in sync?

together: *screams*

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@CocoJr

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say

@Brianhopecomedy

My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.

@mattZillaaaa

A wise man once told me,

“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”

@Manda_like_wine

Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.

@birbigs

One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.

@shanethevein

Women have all the answers to all your questions.

And you don’t even have to ask.

@audipenny

Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles

@noog

If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore

@wittwitbarista

*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.