me: we have developed a fear of boy bands

wife: at the same time

therapist: in sync?

together: *screams*

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2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say


My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.


A wise man once told me,

“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”


Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.


One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.


Women have all the answers to all your questions.

And you don’t even have to ask.


Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles


If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore


*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.