You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
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*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”