Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
You Might Also Like
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
awkward
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.