I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
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“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
#growingpains
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you