Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
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Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.