BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
You Might Also Like
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
sistine chapel
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.