Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
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I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Alexa, make me look good naked.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
I get distracted pretty eas
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called