I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
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Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Bootstraps
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for