I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
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It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
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You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
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Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating