I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
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Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.