I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
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My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions