i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
You Might Also Like
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them