The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
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You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog