My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
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Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
This story is comedy gold 😂
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
“what that mouth do?” complain
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
this is 10/10 content no notes
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver