15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
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“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old