*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
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i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.