me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
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My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.