You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
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Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
happy mother’s day❤️
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.