With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
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SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Important
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name