Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
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My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
I wanna be friends with this person
I only say stupid things when I talk.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.