[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
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subtitles are so good nowadays
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
ATMs should have breathalyzers
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE