Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
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TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Me too, bag. Me too….
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
When I pack too much for a short trip.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks