Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
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*exercises sarcastically*
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”