I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
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Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*