[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
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*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
*cough*
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach