My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
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My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
me after eating Cheetos
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
My love language is deader than Latin
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.