[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
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Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Tell me you get it…🤣
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.