Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
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When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you