15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
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Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.