The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
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Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn