I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
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absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Aight bet
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.