My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
You Might Also Like
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.
I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
c’mon!
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
ugh not again
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
is he marrying that labradoodle
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.