In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.
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Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
our love story in four pictures
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
shit just got real
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
a public service announcement
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill