There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
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My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Tuesday
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll