Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
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If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.