This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
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“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.