My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
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A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.