So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
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wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
The Friday File.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started