Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
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Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.