My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
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8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman: