Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
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0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Imagine having a party on purpose.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”