How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
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it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
*serious situation*
My brain:
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.