it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
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Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
reduce, reuse, recycle
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian