it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
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If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.