Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
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Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
79.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.