Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
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When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.