In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
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Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
What a chick magnet..