It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
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My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
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Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted