It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
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Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N