Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle

it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut

When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.

Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.

I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…

Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.

I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.

You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.

True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.

Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!

At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.

Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything

If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.

Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well

no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.

I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine

Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens

I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.

6-year-old: You lose.

Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.

6: That was your first mistake.

[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay

Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns

Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!

Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard

OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.

If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.

Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.

Dear microwave companies,

Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?

Sincerely,
Everyone

Why do people say “get well soon”?

Why don’t you want me to get well now?

Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?

“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.