Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
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I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
That was easy.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me