Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
![]()
You Might Also Like
Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
![]()
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
I think I’ll stand
![]()
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.